"I Sor-ry Momma!"

No he's not but we'll get to this in a second.
I am so so so sick of Ryan saying that. I want to know who taught Ryan that if he says he's sorry all will go back to being right in the world. Because honestly, with that boy, that's not true. Ryan thinks saying sorry is his get out of jail free card.
This is a list of everything Ryan thinks sorry makes all better:
- punching Zach in the eye
- throwing toys across the room when anrgy
- climbing on the back of the couch
- pushing everything off the coffee table so he can play on it
- taking things from others
and so on and so on. None of these things are truly bad (well except maybe the punching) but its the fact that he does them over and over, even after he says sorry. He looks at you with this face like "Oh please dont' hit me!" and waves his hand back and forth and goes "I sor-ry mommy! I won't do it again!" but then he does it again 5 minutes later!
So see he isn't really sorry.

So I'm Silly, I know

Okay, I know, I'm silly, slightly egotistical, generally obnoxious, occasionally rude, and almost always ridiculous. But... that doesn't mean John needs to point any of that out to me! Its one thing for me to call me rude, obnoxious, and immature; its a whole other ball game for him to.
John and I have gotten into several fights the past couple of days over everything and anything. I mean we'll both be happy and in a great mood, then all the sudden we're yelling at each other and calling each other names. (Mine I call him tend to deal with pieces of the human anatomy, his generally come from phrases listed above - maybe immature isn't too far off base...) My mom called my step-dad and told him about my status saying on Facebook that said "My children are so cool they make your children look like chopped liver" because she thought it was funny. My step-dad who also thought it was funny, and works with John, told him. John called me and said "Really? Trish, that's rather an obnoxious thing to put out there don't you think?" My response was no, it was a joke, and typical for my personality and usual statuses.
You would think after six years of us being together he would, oh I dunno, be used to the quirks in my personality by now.
It doesn't really matter, because honestly, its not like I'm angry or hurt, just baffled really.

A Sad Trip Down Memeory Lane

Lately I've been thinking about my miscarriage I had last year a lot.
2008 started off with my 21st birthday. I didn't go out and party, had in fact only had maybe 2 or 3 drinks in my first week of turning 21. I didn't feel good, but just put it down to a stomach bug going around at the time. But when it continued for several days when everyone else only had it for 24 hours I began to get worried. A day before my first missed period I took a pregnancy test. I was too scared to take it at home (because we were living with my parents) so I waited until I got to school, called my best friend and we skipped our morning classes and went to Starbucks. When we got there I went into the bathroom and took the test. I was sure it had to be wrong, so I talked my friend into also taking one, shocker of all, her's came back positive too. This just seemed to reaffirm our beliefs that they were wrong. We decided to take the rest of the day off from school and we went to Wal-Mart bought digital tests, went into the store bathrooms and took them, this time getting in no uncertain terms "pregnant." You would think we'd have been happy, I mean what's better than finding out that not only you are pregnant, but your best friend is too? We each had our own reasons to be upset. John and I had been talking about the possibility of more children, but not yet or anytime soon, and my best friend had already suffered two miscarriages, one only 4 months before.
I told John the next day and he was very angry, as if maybe it was my fault. He suggested maybe we should have an abortion and I told him no, not only was it against my beliefs, but after having the boys I could never see how anyone could do that. It was the only time in our marriage so far that we've gone to bed angry with each other, and we stayed angry for several days. I was sick and depressed. John came to me a few days later and said he wanted the baby too that he was just so scared and worried about how we would afford another child. I told him it was ok, God knows what he's doing. I called my doctor and made an appointment, so did my friend, both of our appointments were for the beginning of March. She was still very nervous, hadn't told anyone at all, and I had only told her and John.
March came and she was feeling more optimistic so was I. We were both sick as dogs, but mine was starting to get better. We went to my appointment first, her's was the next day. They took my blood, asked all the usual questions, did a quick peek "down there," and then told me I could get my friend because they would be doing the measurement ultrasound to get a better idea of when I would be due, my calculations told me October 10th. The ultrasound technician was nice, asking questions and chatting with us as she started the ultrasound. She got quiet and focused more on the monitor and asked me again when my last period was, I told her, and she looked at the monitor again and asked if I was sure. I told her yes, I was positive that was the last day because I kept close watch on my period. She stepped out for a minute, then came back in, turned on the lights and said the baby was measuring at 7 1/2 weeks, not the 10 it should be, and that yes, there is a heartbeat, but its weak. I didn't know what to think. I held my friend's and my friend asked her what this meant. The technician said they couldn't tell yet what it meant exactly, but they would schedule me for more tests. My friend took me home and I called John and told him. They had given me an ultrasound picture, but only because I asked for it. The technician hadn't felt it was a good idea and had to go ask the doctor first. We told my parents that night about the pregnancy and that there might be something wrong with it.
My friend's appointment was normal, but neither of us could bring ourselves to be happy.
The next two weeks were hell.
I had to go for blood test every 3 days. At first my numbers not only continued to rise, but they were incredibly high. Then, they dropped. Not much, and they stayed at that level. I still was getting sick, but it wasn't as bad, until it dropped down to just a slight queasiness. The nurses kept telling me there was no reason to be overly worried yet, they had picked up a heartbeat. True it was slow, and just a little irregular, but still it was a heartbeat.
I started spotting. I was at school in my last class of the day, and I didn't need to pee (I had gone right before class) but I knew I needed to go to the bathroom. I was spotting. I called the doctor freaking out, he told me since the blood was more brown than red to calm down, to rest all the next day, and that he would order a vaginal ultrasound for the next day. The spotting continued getting more and more and redder and redder. By the time John got home I was in our bed crying. I couldn't sleep that night so I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, I stood up and felt a trickle go down my leg. I was no longer spotting, I was bleeding. By morning I was in horrible pain and bleeding a lot. My doctor told me to come in. It was the first time I actually saw him. The nurse led me straight to a room, no waiting in the waiting room for those miscarrying, and the doctor came in. He searched for a heartbeat and found none. He told me I was miscarrying the baby, that these things "just happen and only God knows the reason why." I didn't cry. We agreed I would still go in for the ultrasound later as a confirmation, and that I was to come in a week later for a D&C. I still did not cry. I got to my mom's van (she took me), my mom looked at me and said "Oh baby" and I started crying and didn't stop for the rest of the day.
I went into the ultrasound later that day with my mom, John didn't want me to go alone. The ultrasound showed a beautifully formed 10 week baby. You see the baby had continued growing. My baby slowly was dying, while the doctor kept telling me not to worry. It had no heartbeat and it did not move. The nurse told me I needed to start watching when I went to the bathroom to see if the baby passes, because if not I would need to come in for the D&C. My mother told her no, that it was not something I needed to try to look for and that my body would know how to handle it.
The next week my friend lost her baby too. Neither of us had any reason for why.
I don't know why I've been thinking of this recently. I try not to, but lately everything's been making me think of it. Its one of those things I want to forget, I pray to forget, but at the same time I don't want to. I have a beautiful baby girl now, who thanks to how fertile I was after the miscarriage was conceived 4 months later. But it still hurts.
A lot.

On my first "REAL" step to FAM

So since I've learned a bit more (through friends and google) about the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) which I am using as birth control, I've learned there's more to it than just keeping track of your period and guesstimating when you're ovulating. I mean, there're are actually several different programs you can use. That sort of just boggled my mind. I've learned the most (from the meager amount of knowledge I have gained) from JM's Natural Family Planning and FAM board. (not just a JM plug by the way...) But the links and resources they had listed their have really shed some light onto it all for me, and I'm really glad that there's an actual group I can go to with my questions and concerns. It makes me feel a whole heck of a lot better about it.
I told my mom about our plan to use this method, and let's just say she wasn't too keen on it. I mean, don't get me wrong, she was against me getting my tubes tied from the get-go, but she sees this as just another way for me to avoid doing the responsible thing. So, since I know I don't have her in my court (or at least not at the moment) its nice to know there are others out there who do support my decision.
After all the research I've done I decided to order the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler. There is actually junk that goes along with it that helps you keep track of everything, but I couldn't afford all of that, so I just got the book, and maybe next month I can get the rest if I need it. I've been seeing rave reviews about the book everywhere about how just informational and helpful it is in just learning more about your body all together, so I can't wait to get it and start reading it. I'll let y'all know what I think. It should be coming in Monday (because yes, I paid a little extra for the 2 day mail and I ordered it yesterday) and I'm as excited as a kid at Christmas.

We've made a big decision.

After my OBGYN called a few days ago wanting to know for the 4th time if we could re-schedule getting my tubes tied John and I have decided to not get it done. We had come to the decision to get it done when we found out that Bella would be a girl because we had finally gotten the little girl John wanted, and we were both more than happy with only 3 children. We're not necessarily wanting more anytime soon, but we might one day be able to afford trying for another baby in a few years, and should we be able to we'd like to not have that decision taken away. We did natural family planning after I got off the shot after having Ryan and it worked for almost 2 years. This time we are using the Fertility Awareness Method (just learned that phrase lol). I've reset up a fertility chart, but am planning to learn more about keeping up with one. Last time I just entered when I had a period, but I want to use it like you would if you're really trying for a baby, having it as detailed as possible, that way on the days that it says "DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!" I'm going to stay as far from John as possible.

Bella's New Clothes!

So, I guess I forgot to post this. I got Bella's fall clothes in and I must say I am sooo happy with them. They are so freaking adorable, and I can't wait for it to get cooler so I can put her in them. They are all 3-6 months even though she's almost 4 months. Currently she's still in 0-3 so hopefully these will be a good fit come fall.
(you can click them for a larger view)



















































































































































See? Cuteness!

Connecting with your baby while using a bottle.

Yes, everyone knows breast milk is best for a baby, and trust me I wouldn't dare argue about that. However, for any number of reasons a lot of moms can not always nurse their children, be it for medical or financial reasons, or personal preference. But there is no reason a mom must feel guilty for not nursing her child. As long as your baby is receiving proper nourishment, love, and attention you are being a good mother and let no one tell you differently.
People will tell you giving your baby a bottle, even one with breast milk, is a disservice to your baby. They will tell you that you obviously didn't try hard enough to nurse and that by giving your baby a bottle you are missing out on developing a special connection, or bond, that of course you can only get from nursing. This can make many a new mother who does not nurse feel guilty and like a failure, especially if they had wanted to nurse but are unable to. I could not nurse my middle child, Ryan, due to milk supply issues and his own reflux and metabolism issues. I felt horrible because I wanted so badly to let him nurse, but by the time he was 2 or 3 months old my milk had completely dried up. When I realized I was no longer even producing milk I became greatly depressed, and it didn't help that my own aunt, who nursed all three of her daughters until they were three (or close to), accused me of "just not caring hard enough to try." I've never suffered a bigger physical or metaphorical slap to my face.
But... mothers who can not nurse should not fret! You can still develop a close bond with your baby while using a bottle. Its as simple as it is to develop one through nursing. When feeding your baby focus on your baby. Try not to let yourself be distracted the entire time by other issues. I'm not saying ignore all else, but let your baby know he/she is important to you and that this time together is special. Look deep into your baby's eyes and talk to them. Even if you are holding a conversation with someone else, look in your baby's eyes or face while talking. If possible, allow as much skin to skin contact as you can while feeding the baby. If its cold just wrap a blanket around the both of you together. These are all the same tips that lactation consultants will tell mother's who nurse to help bond with their baby, and there's no reason why you can not do them also. And the best part about giving your baby a bottle is that Daddy can also bond with the baby using those exact same steps, something that if you were to exclusively breastfeed could not be done.
Remember, you are the mommy, and you know what is best for your child, and as long as you love your baby, give him or her the nourishment needed, and plenty of attention you are being the best mom you can possibly be, and that is all that counts.

100th Post and a Random Sharing!

Woot! Woot! This is my 100th blog post!
I didn't get on here to post because its my 100th, I didn't even realize until I opened my dashboard to post. Go me! I don't think I've ever managed to keep up with a blog long enough to reach a 100th post so this is, like, awesome. The point for my coming on here was I wanted to show off a little. I made a new signature for JM's Siggies R Us board's Siggy of the Week challenge, this week's required using a quote about growing up and I have one I have always loved, and was so fitting since I was wanting to make a new one about how much Zach has grown. I got it orignally from the movie "Finding Neverland" (which is about J. M. Barrie and his writing "Peter Pan" - great movie by the way) and I googled my heart off to make sure that J. M. Barrie did really and truly say it before using it. The quote is "Young boys should never be sent to bed - they always wake up a day older." And never since Zach started school, or the fact that Ryan will soon be four has that ever felt more true. But, it did give me a new idea for my blog too. I'm thinking I might do a post weekly with a quote about children. But here is the siggy:

(I used, mainly, Lori Davison's "Flying Dreams Storybook Collection" digital scrapbooking kit to create it.)

Our new big beautiful red head

Well, I woke up this morning to barking. Yes, you heard me right, barking.We are now the proud owners of a female golden retriever/chocolate lab mix female who is a really large puppy. She's not a newborn puppy, I think John said she's about 8 months old, but I could be wrong, I was half asleep when he gave me the details. She's very energetic and about as opposite Kappy as can be. She has already showered John, Ryan, me, and (the dog's favorite) Bella with kisses. By the time she got done giving Bella kisses all of Bella's hair was sticking up, her face was all shiny, and she had the biggest grin on her face.
**updated**
Zach was very upset by the dog (who does now have a name). He's doing better now, but apparently John didn't tell Zach anything about us getting a dog when he picked Zach up from my mom's. Zach's warmed up to the idea enough to want to name her. Our dog now has the very haughty name of Scarlet. Here's a picture of her:

And here are a few (albeit late) pictures of Zach the morning of his first day of kindergarten:

Curses, Caffeine, Crying, and Pee

Yeah I know, pee doesn't start with "c" but I couldn't find another word for it. So let's go through and explain all these four words which sum up my current existence.
Curses - its that time of the month again. This is my second real period since having Bella. If I hadn't been keeping track I wouldn't have been expecting it. No usual premenstrual symptoms at all. Then BAM I get this huge almost contraction feeling pain after laying Ryan down, I go to the bathroom and guess who's arrived. That evil nasty aunt that nobody likes. Now I'm in a crappy mood and having the cramps from heck.
Caffeine - or better yet, the lack thereof of caffeine. My coffee pot has died. And it had to die at the most inopportune time 10 o'clock at night tonight so that everywhere that sales coffee pots are closed so I get no coffee tomorrow morning unless I go to McDonald's (yuck) or my mom's. Neither of which are appealing to me seeing as how I hate McDonald's coffee and I'm not a morning person, which means when I see my mom in the morning (who is a morning person) we end up fighting.
Crying - yup, Bella's still teething and now has the sore bottom to go along with it. Joy of joys. When she's awake she alternates her time between pooping, crying, and gumming everything to death. (Though on a side note, we're starting to get real chuckles out of her.)
Pee - Ryan has started having several accidents a week at night lately. The boy has gone accident free at night time for a good long while up until about 2 months ago. Then he would have about one a week, this week he has had one almost every night. And not even in his bed. He pees on the hallway floor right in front of the bathroom! (and the light's on and the door is open) All we can think is that it must be a delayed reaction to Bella, but he wasn't like this when I had her, so I don't know why she would cause it now.

So yes, that is the joy and fun that is going on in my life right now. Don't you wish you were me?

Preparing for the first day of kindergarten.

Its not a big deal.

Ok, so it is. I don't care if he went to school last year. No one other than me, Zach, John and some immediate family took the fact that he went to pre-k last year seriously. I mean he was actually at the elementary school Mondays - Fridays 7 - 2:30. He went to school. So I wasn't expecting to feel this overwhelming sense of sadness about his first day of kindergarten. Its sort of like that final snap, my baby is a big boy now. Really and truly.
I was getting all of his school supplies into his backpack, signing and filling out all the forms I got at orientation, and making his luch when this funk hit me. I was sitting there labeling his things and stuffing them in the backpack when I thought "Why didn't I buy him a new backpack? All the others kids are going to have new shiny ones, and his is still dirty from last year. What kind of mom sends her son to his first day of kindergarten with this kind of backpack?" But then I justified it to myself. I spent a lot of money on his backpack last year. I got his initals on it and let him pick it out. We spent a lot of money on that backpack so that it will last him a while and so we won't have to replace it each year. At the same time though I feel like I'm letting him down. I sucked it up and went ahead to making his lunch since he asked to carry it. Again I went through the guilt, because again, it was the same one he used last year. And just a little while ago I was picking out his outfit for his first day and I go in a panic because I remembered he can't wear flip flops to school, they're against dresscode. I wasn't sure if we even had any of Zach's shoes here. I remembered a pair in the van and went out to get them. They were his favorite pair las year and I can only hope they fit, at least fit enough to get him through the day. But they're white and they show all the wear and tear a young boy puts on his shoes.
I know, in my mind I really know, that him having new things isn't important. He has new clothes, and I feel stupid being upset because his backpack, shoes, and lunchbox are old. Its just I want to send him off to his first day looking and feeling his best as possible. I know he could probably care less. But its my first baby's first day of "real" school. I think the guilt about that is just brought on by the fact that I'm sad about him growing up and I'm so worried about how tomorrow will go. He's sooo painfully shy around people at first, especially at school because of his soap allergy. I have a feeling I'll be nervous wreck by the time he leaves in the morning.

Those middle of the night facebook updates.

So, since we have entered the world of teething, 11pm - 2am (roughly) is no longer an acceptable time for sleeping. To Bella it is a time of great mischief and fun, where Mommy dotes on no one but her. Mommy, on the other hand, is slightly bored and extremely tired. So what does Mommy do? Check Facebook of course, and continuously update her status with silly non-sequentials. And the obvious thing is, they all deal with her royal highness Miss Bella. I catch up on the statuses of lots of other moms with babies at that time too. Huh, guess, as one friend put it, all the babies got the party all night memos and the mommies didn't.
Here are some of the midnight Bella statuses:

• "its 1 am on Wednesday, do you know where your daughter is? Mine just so happens to be awake and full of energy."
• "What's that? Oh, Bella's awake in the middle of the night... again."
• "Me to Bella: 'if you punch yourself in the eye it will hurt'"
• "Bella to her feet: "Holy cow! There are TWO of you?!""

Which leads to a new little tid bit. Much to Bella's awe, surprise, and tredipitation she now has a left AND right foot.

Why am I not asleep?

It is a little past 2 am here and here I am, up and at the computer. Have I even been to bed or dozed...? No. I was sitting outside enjoying the storm and reading a book when I realized how late I'd been out there so I came in. My goal was to do a quick check on things then turn off the computer. But alas, what did my little ears hear? Why, the not so little sounds of Miss Bella deciding it was time to eat. (this was about 12:30) Bella has not had a middle of the night feeding in a while. I got her out of bed, changed her bottom, and we talked and played for a bit. Then I made her a bottle with cereal. She drank it, we played some more, and she fell asleep about 20 minutes ago. Here's the problem, now I'm wide awake. I can not afford to be wide awake at 2 in the freaking morning! I have a three year old who wakes up at 5:30 am when his daddy does and expects me to be up and getting him food by the time daddy leaves at 7! True, he'll get in my bed, cuddle Bella and I, and let us snooze, but only until say 8-8:30 and only after he's ate. And I'm not one of those people who can go lay down in bed and will myself to sleep. Oh no no no. That would be much to easy. I have to exhaust myself to sleep. I have a feeling tomorrow will be a very long day...

Picture of the Day: "July 21, 2009"

the boys, July 21, 2009

Ponderings of a Philosophical Nature

All parents wonder what their children will be like when they grow up. They create dreams, hopes, and wishes for their children's futures. Will their child be smart, attractive, popular, and charismatic? Or will their child be unintelligent, ugly, and socially inept? Can a parent even see her own child as ugly? Or as the parent does she always think her child is adorable and cute?
What if, as a child, the parent was, let's say, not the best child or teen? What if the parent was sort of, um, bad? They say parents get what they deserve in their children. I don't know about you, but me, I don't want to raise me. I'd much rather my children not be like me. As of now, I think a rather appropriate choice would be they be like my youngest sister. She's very smart, funny, pretty, and is very popular. But, I have this funny feeling that I don't get to pick who my children grow up to be. I can only hope they grow into someone who I can like and respect. But ultimately I'll be a large molder of who they turn out to be, am I worthy of shaping them? I'm not sure. I've made a lot of bad choices in my life, and a lot of stupid ones too. I mean, I am rather happy with the way I turned out, and I would love for my children to end up how I am now (not necessarily the whole parent of 3 at 22). I just don't want them to follow along all the paths I did to get here.

Picture of the Day: "This is my yucky face"

I've been adding rice cereal to Bella's bottle for about a week now and she loves it. So I decided I would slowly start to see how she does eating solids. I figured she loves her cereal bottles so much, what better to start her with than a small amount of rice cereal.
Well... she hated it. The first two bites were kinda like, hmm, what is this? Then it was, well, I don't think I like this much. It was all down hill from there. She would push the spoon out with her tongue, and the cereal too. She screamed at me each time I got the spoon into her mouth. She just flat out hated it with a vengeance. It was not a fun experiment at all.
But we tried baby applesauce today and she ate almost the whole jar and seemed to think it was the next best thing to the boob.