Its not a big deal.
Ok, so it is. I don't care if he went to school last year. No one other than me, Zach, John and some immediate family took the fact that he went to pre-k last year seriously. I mean he was actually at the elementary school Mondays - Fridays 7 - 2:30. He went to school. So I wasn't expecting to feel this overwhelming sense of sadness about his first day of kindergarten. Its sort of like that final snap, my baby is a big boy now. Really and truly.
I was getting all of his school supplies into his backpack, signing and filling out all the forms I got at orientation, and making his luch when this funk hit me. I was sitting there labeling his things and stuffing them in the backpack when I thought "Why didn't I buy him a new backpack? All the others kids are going to have new shiny ones, and his is still dirty from last year. What kind of mom sends her son to his first day of kindergarten with this kind of backpack?" But then I justified it to myself. I spent a lot of money on his backpack last year. I got his initals on it and let him pick it out. We spent a lot of money on that backpack so that it will last him a while and so we won't have to replace it each year. At the same time though I feel like I'm letting him down. I sucked it up and went ahead to making his lunch since he asked to carry it. Again I went through the guilt, because again, it was the same one he used last year. And just a little while ago I was picking out his outfit for his first day and I go in a panic because I remembered he can't wear flip flops to school, they're against dresscode. I wasn't sure if we even had any of Zach's shoes here. I remembered a pair in the van and went out to get them. They were his favorite pair las year and I can only hope they fit, at least fit enough to get him through the day. But they're white and they show all the wear and tear a young boy puts on his shoes.
I know, in my mind I really know, that him having new things isn't important. He has new clothes, and I feel stupid being upset because his backpack, shoes, and lunchbox are old. Its just I want to send him off to his first day looking and feeling his best as possible. I know he could probably care less. But its my first baby's first day of "real" school. I think the guilt about that is just brought on by the fact that I'm sad about him growing up and I'm so worried about how tomorrow will go. He's sooo painfully shy around people at first, especially at school because of his soap allergy. I have a feeling I'll be nervous wreck by the time he leaves in the morning.