Thursday, October 21, 2010

Sometimes I hate you.

Sometimes I hate you, body.

You’ve decided to have rheumatoid arthritis at the age of 23. Really, this is pretty unfair to me, who wants to enjoy my youth. Taking my medicines everyday has become a habit I’d rather have not ever had. True, it does help me remember to take my birth control everyday on time since I moved it to the same time as the Celebrex, which I will not forget to take, but I still hate it.

As I always do when it comes time to have to get a refill of the Celebrex I started wondering if I actually need it. Since I have to take it everyday, and take it at as close to the same time everyday, I don’t get to experience my body often without it. I mean, how do I know I still need it? Before recently these flairs of intense pain were very sporadic and not frequent. It could be I just had an unusually long flair and it has since passed, but since I take the medicine everyday I wouldn’t realize it. I mean, I just feel so good and normal. No pain, no helpless feeling of not wanting to do anything because my body is screaming in protest at the simplest tasks, even eating during those flairs seems like too much of a chore. And body, you need the food. Especially after you lost 15 pounds you couldn’t spare before we finally broke down and went to the doctor about the pain.

I let my refill lapse.

Not permanently, and not purposely. The doctor is kind enough to give me about 3 weeks worth of free samples since he knows we just can’t afford a running prescription. But the doctor was gone yesterday when I called, and he’s still gone today. Which means I didn’t take my medicine last night. Which means today the pain is back. The stiffness. The feeling like I can do nothing because just barely moving, even to type, hurts.

I do need this medicine. That’s a fact I just should stop questioning. I don’t want to stop questioning it though. I want you body to self-correct. To realize you are a 23 year old body, you should not feel so old. Now we get to be in the waiting game. Waiting for the doctor’s office to call you back about your medicine. Waiting the 1-2 days it’s going to take for the medicine to take full effect.

Waiting.

Sometimes body, I really, I do mean really, hate you.

1 comment:

Heidi said...

That really stinks :( I think you know I had RA as a kid, although it wasn't whole body, just specific joints. It really does make you feel helpless and like your body is failing you. Arthritis is supposed to be an old person's disease...except it's not. I'm not on medicine anymore but I'm pretty sure that I wasn't one of those kids who just grows out of it. I have days where my fingers absolutely ache, or my hips, or my ankles and wrists. It's only a matter of time, and it sucks.