Sunday, September 6, 2009

How things are, and why I haven't posted.

I was doing really good at posting steadily last month, and then, if you noticed, if anyone anywhere is actually reading this, I stopped. Mind you I feel I had a good reason to. Something has come up in my life, and I haven't been able to post about anything else until I post about this development. I haven't posted about it because I'm not sure how I want to approach this. So, what I'll do is just quote what I posted about it somewhere else. Both the original and then update.
So, I took Bella in for her four month checkup. First her stats: 9 lbs 6 oz. and 23 3/4 in.
The doctor started asking me all these questions about her eating habits and sleeping and how she manages with her food. He asked the developmental questions as a sort of afterthought. She's on par everywhere developmentally, however, physically she's so small she's not even in the 1% for healthy babies her age. She's only gained 2 lbs (she lost 1/2 lb she used to be 10) since she was born.
He scheduled for Bella to go in for blood tests and an xray because he's worried about her weight since she eats so much (2 30 min nursings a day plus 3-4 5 oz bottles with either 1 tbsp cereal or 1/2 tbsp and one oz. baby food). He's getting her tested for diabetes, thyroid problems, stomach/intestine problems, and asthma. If those tests come back fine I have to take her to a geneticist to see if she has dwarfism. If that comes back fine I have to take her in to get some bone marrow removed for further testings.
In other words, there's something wrong with my baby but we don't know what.

My heart is breaking.

I took her to the hospital this afternoon for tests and they did the xray first, which was horrible to watch. She looked so uncomfortable laying on that table with the nurses having to hold her down. And then they took her back to the lab to take so many little vials of blood and she screamed and screamed the whole time.

I just don't know what I'm going to do. I won't find out the results until Friday or next Monday. We just need a whole lot of prayers right now. - Sept. 1, 2009

Bella's bloodwork came back fine, but there was a spot in her stomach that looks like a hard spot of calcium, but they aren't positive since the x-ray was focused on her lungs and the spot was on the very bottom of the x-ray. I have to take her in Tuesday for an x-ray of her stomach. Her doctor is also going to set up appointments with an endocrinologist and a geneticist. - Sept. 4, 2009
I haven't been sure how to post about this, because there are people out there who fake about having sick children to get sympathetic readers and tons of followers. And should (which I 'm praying for) the next x-rays and tests show nothing and Miss Bella's just really petite I'm afraid people will say I'm just blowing the whole scenario out of proportion for attention. See the dilemma?
So as I said, I decided to just re-post what I had posted elsewhere about it, and give you a brief inside look on some feelings I've shared with no one.
  1. I know God does everything for a reason, but should my baby be sick, why? What possible freaking reason could he have for that?! I've never understood how God lets babies and children get sick and die. Its just not right. And if she isn't sick then why did I have to make her suffer through testing?
  2. I feel hugely and horribly guilty. Its as big (or bigger) than the fear. Maybe if I had not taken her just to the Health Department doctor before this, maybe, somehow this could have been avoided or caught earlier. Somehow this has to be my fault. She's home all day with me, I care for her, I carried her in me for 9 months, so if something's wrong obviously I must have been the source.
  3. Fear. Fear is a very very real thing to me right now. True, its wonderful her bloodwork was great, but the rest of the stuff we're testing for doesn't show up in the bloodwork testing, so we aren't fully out of the woods yet.
As of right now, I just want my baby healthy and prayers, not attention. Someone who would make up a story about a sick baby is beyond twisted, and they make people skeptical of people like me. So all I ask for, and nothing more, is for your prayers.

1 comment:

Nicole Montgomery said...

Trish, I cannot think of words of comfort or anything to help you through this time. As a mother, we want our children to be as perfect as we always envision them. When something happens, no matter how serious or insignificant, we question ourselves. We blame ourselves. I will be doing this in a few days/weeks, when Bailey is born as she will be suffering. I understand your pain, confusion, and guilt. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. I will pray that she is just a slow gainer, and there is nothing wrong with her. Please know, if you need to vent, cry, scream, or just talk, I am here. I can be a good listener.

Lots of love, Nicole.